A Pensacola Man Attempted Time Travel in a Dodge Challenger

He is reportedly still solidly in 2015, now with bruises.

byBen Keeshin|
3500lbs Electric Winch

In the latest from a state whose local news reporters must have made a pact with the devil, a Pensacola, Florida, man crashed his Dodge Challenger at high speed into a strip mall, telling police he wanted to “time travel.” Just before 11 AM on Dec. 20, the man and his Challenger blasted by a traffic light on North Davis Highway, then crashed through the entrance of Advance Tax Services. Due to inertia, the car made it almost all the way through the office, stopping just short of the double rear doors. Though no reports have been released, one can only assume the gentleman was traveling at 88 mph.

The driver, as yet unidentified, was unhurt but taken nonetheless to the hospital for “evaluation,” which is exactly what’s necessary after you destroy an unsuspecting accounting office under the guise of attempted time travel. According to the Pensacola News Journal, which broke the story, the building was unoccupied at the time. Ellison Bennett, a co-owner of Pensacola Caskets, is waiting for clearance from structural engineers before reentering the building, which was called “unstable.” It’s a quandry. Of course, it’s divinely lucky that no one was injured, but at the same time, Pensacola Caskets could have used the business.

There are a few ways to read this. First, the driver might be sane, and a genius, and have made a simple math mistake that rendered his novel time-travelling procedure nul. Had he given a little more gas, that man could right now be seeing Miami in its Forties heyday, or chatting up a Spanish conquistador. The man, of course, might be totally insane. Or, most likely, he was drunk, tired or on drugs, and somehow, in his addled state, “time travel” seemed a legitimate excuse. Pro tip: It’s not. Carry out experiments on private property, gin-fueled or otherwise.

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