News Culture

This Fake News Report of a Bizarre Love Story Is Really Some Old Pontiac Propaganda

Who needs to elope with that other schmuck when you've got better traction, stability and fuel economy from a low coefficient of drag?

Amanda Pepperidge and Arnold Humboldt were both planning to elope with two other people, but a case of mistaken identity led to them falling in love over the 1987 Pontiac Fiero SE’s spec sheet. 

Pontiac knows what really bonds couples together, and it’s absolutely the low 0.36 coefficient of drag produced by the dent-resistant Enduroplast front end of the new Fiero SE. “Love, Fiero Style” is the romantic tale we’ve always deserved, folks. 

The “Pontiac Videobeat” program appears to be geared towards dealerships and sales staff given its heavy emphasis on stats and demographics, but its short film about falling in love over oddly specific model information is truly the highlight here. I know what I look for in a lover, and it’s absolutely lower-maintenance direct ignition systems.

In this (definitely made-up) story, Amanda and Arnold were both sneaking away to elope with other people, but those plans went straight out the window when Amanda noticed Arnold’s sweet new 1987 Fiero. 

Arnold is a walking encyclopedia of then-new Fiero SE knowledge, telling Amanda all about the standard smooth five-speed Getrag transmission, “rally-tuned” independent suspension, multi-port fuel-injection and front reclining “European” bucket seats. Amanda somehow knows to ask about the optional steering wheel that Arnold wanted for a “sporty” appearance. It’s all “very sensuous,” as Amanda says about the seats. 

Is that transversely-mounted 2.8-liter V6 anything like riding side-saddle, as Amanda asks? That’s, uh, definitely a question worth breaking off your engagements for. 

The New Order song “Bizarre Love Triangle” came out in 1986, and you have to wonder if that phrase inspired the happily-ever-after tale of Arnold, Amanda and a 1987 Pontiac Fiero SE. The first time they even drive the car is as they’re running away from Amanda’s house. 

This isn’t even the only time that Pontiac featured a duo falling in love to the Monroney specs. There’s also a Bonneville advertisement where the “airbags” in question weren’t a euphemism. 

Almost $15K less than a similar BMW or Lexus is that spicy practical frugality I always wanted in a lover!

[H/T Justin Parcher (Pontiac Videobeat) and Team Radar Love (Bonneville)!]

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