Former Russian Formula 1 driver Nikita Mazepin is the kind of guy who feels like he wholeheartedly believes his father's affluence has earned him the right to do whatever he wants, when he wants, and how he wants it. From recording himself sexually attacking women and sharing it on social media, falsely blaming his on-track mistakes on an outdated F1 chassis (and having dad buy him a new one), to—my favorite—failing to see how Haas could no longer accept Putin-derived money in exchange for his seat, Mazepin lives in a world where he's the alpha male and everyone else must deal with it. Now we can add retirement advice to the list of things the 23-year-old is an expert on.
Mazepin took to Instagram to share his own five-stage process on how to deal with retiring from F1, a post which he dedicated to fellow racers Sebastian Vettel, Daniel Ricciardo, Mick Schumacher, and Nicholas Latifi, all of whom drove their last F1 race at Sunday's Abu Dhabi Grand Prix. And while I'm sure Mazepin believes he's watching out for his buds, it's just so silly to think that drivers with monumentally more experience would consider taking advice from the ousted rich kid who only drove for one season and crashed out at most races. Then again, this is unsurprising of someone who carries themselves as a sort of modern-day Romanov.
"Nice to be here [Abu Dhabi] as a guest and see old friends. Got me thinking about some words of wisdom I can share with Seb [Vettel], Daniel [Ricciardo], Nicky [Latifi], and Mick [Schumacher] as they get ready to move on. So, here’s what awaits you in the 5 stages of departing the stable:
- Stage 1: Denial. You will find yourself driving circles around your apartment building. Don’t make the mistake I made – turn on your stopwatch. It’s entirely possible that another F1 team will be interested in your results and you won’t have to endure the next 4 stages.
- Stage 2: Anger. You blame everyone but yourself for having to leave F1. Particularly the “Drive to Survive” film crew. You watch the races obsessively and yell at the screen.
- Stage 3: Bargaining. You hold a press conference where you put on a brave face and thank the team principal who fired you in hopes that your cheerful smile and natural charm will get you a seat with a new team.
- Stage 4: Depression. Drink, party on yacht, sleep it off, gain 5 kilos. Repeat on endless loop. This will not be an easy stage to get through, but your friends will enjoy it.
- Stage 5: Acceptance. Congratulations. You’ve reached the final Grand Prix of being shown the exit. You stop obsessing about F1 and start thinking about your next steps.. while keeping yourself in shape and keeping the door open for a return!"
If you're a college professor and were looking for the perfect piece of real-world content for your "Oligarch 101" or "Understanding the Juniors of the Russian Oligarchy," course, there you have it. You're welcome.
Despite his egotistical tirade, Mazepin's got a point about dealing with the frustration of getting ousted from the sport. It can't be fun and it's definitely not enjoyable to suddenly find yourself not able to do the activity you've dedicated most of your short life to. Regardless, I don't believe anyone's feeling bad for Mazepin, especially given his father's ties to the Russian government and its invasion of Ukraine that continues to claim so many lives every single day.
But, you know, why deal with the gruesome reality when you can just drink, party on a yacht, sleep it off, gain five kilos, and repeat it all over again?
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