One Florida man has apparently learned the hard way that you can't simply print out the nouveau-riche life at home. Casey William Kelley, 42, used a check printed on his home computer to buy a Porsche 911 Turbo, reports the Northwest Florida Daily News. Sheriff's deputies say was able to drive the 911 off the lot using this homemade check, but was later arrested after trying to use more homemade checks to buy three Rolex watches.
Sigh. Watches and Porsches? Really? Has there ever been a more stereotypical Real Sports Car Man crime? You should've stuck to gunning for that big promotion in the sales department, my dude.
According to an arrest report from the Walton County Sheriff's Office, Kelley used his home-printed check to buy a Porsche 911 Turbo from a dealership in Destin on Monday, July 27. Given that new 911 Turbos start at $170,800 and Kelley's check only came out to $139,203.05, it was likely a used one. Still, that's a pretty conspicuous vehicle to allegedly forge a check for.
The Porsche was reported as stolen once they figured it out, but still—how did that fly in the first place? Also, what kind of printer was this? Mine barely spits out regular text without blurring it up or jamming for no reason, so I'm in the market. Call me from jail, bro.
The very next day, officials say Kelley tried to purchase three Rolex watches using another forged check he'd printed off the home computer for $61,521. This time, the Miramar Beach jeweler he was trying to buy from held the watches until they could be sure that the check would cash, according to the arrest report. Naturally, the balance at the Fake Bank of Computer is a whopping $0, so this time, it didn't work out. The jeweler reported the forgery to the police on Thursday.
By then, the alleged scheme (if we can call it that) had already been unraveled. Kelley was arrested that Wednesday afternoon and charged with grand theft of a motor vehicle and uttering a false banknote. According to the police report, Kelley confessed to the crime, telling investigators after his arrest that he printed the cashier's checks himself from his home computer.
Folks, this is the Florida Man supervillain that 2020 deserves: one whose apparent crime was so obvious that there's no way it could've worked.
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