As a child, with my cowlick shining golden and streamers in full stream from the handlebars of my red bike, I was almost crushed under the wheels of a hearse. Lumbering darkly in its deathly mission, the hearse failed to stop at a crosswalk; had I biked blindly forward, I might have been scraped from beneath the hearse and placed in its cavernous trunk, the undertaker pausing just long enough to toss my mangled bike into the woods.
For the rest of the day, my cheeks lost their ruddiness. The horror: being steamrolled by a ghoulish Cadillac station wagon. But as I’ve aged, I’ve realized that a somber duty does not a somber car make. Moreover, what’s actually wrong with a little spooky melancholia? The universe is still reeling from the high wattage of automotive cuteness—New Beetle, Mini Cooper, Thunderbird—that blasted the early Aughts.
In celebration of these grim, but often beautiful, cars, here are 15 historical hearses to put a little joy in your Halloween heart—even as they cast a pallor over your face.
Enjoy, and always look both ways when crossing the street.
