Times Square might be occupied with more oversized Sesame Street characters than pimps or pickpockets these days, but darn it if our fair city isn’t determined to maintain its reputation as a godless orgy of drugs and sex. Doing his part with special relish is Daniel Gluck, the man who, in 2002, opened Manhattan’s Museum of Sex, or MoSex. The museum’s mission is to “to preserve and present the history, evolution, and cultural significance of human sexuality” and whose commitment is to “open discourse and exchange, and to bringing to the public the best in current scholarship.” That’s well and good, and from what we can tell by the ads on the A Train, MoSex also harbors a dedication to oversized breast balloons. Which is fun. But the museum needs cars.
Cars are sex appeal, phallic symbols and even, sometimes, sites of the act itself. They’re splashes across movie screens, and touted as the perfect accoutrement to anyone whose delectability needs a boost. (For he whose sexual standing a Ferrari cannot improve, there is no hope.) So, in order to further the good work that Mr. Gluck and his fornication education destination, here are our recommendations for the seven cars that belong, among the toys, pinups and tattered erotica, at the Museum of Sex.
Jaguar E-Type
Without mincing words, the E-type is the best automotive expression of the penis to date. Museum-goers would benefit from the viewing of such a shiny, shiny phallus.
C3 Corvette
Like the E-Type, the C3 Corvette is a particularly turgid example of America’s sports car. It’s shapely fenders can’t but recall another particularly bombastic tool, a second rendering of which would be well-placed on the gallery floor.
1976 Ford Country Squire Wagon
The Country Squire is the wagon to drive to the prom (read: “chariot out of Virginityville”). It’s not the ride you wanted—of course, your school’s QB took his date in a Camaro or some such—but it’s the car mom let you borrow. The IROC wouldn’t have the flat cargo floor that became of surprising use later in the evening, would it?
Chevrolet El Camino
While the Country Squire offers a covered, even cozy setting for shenanigans, the El Camino furnishes a rustic scene. While it lacks sex appeal in the way of a coupe or convertible, Chevrolet’s trucklet has been the sight of numerous, likely rural, young couplings. It’s the (steel) fabric of our national romantic history.
Edsel Wagon
While the automotive world, like many, is all but overrun with phalluses, petrolified depictions of the vagina are few and far between. In what might be a feminist parable about male-dominated spaces, the vulva-faced Edsel was panned by critics and lasted barely three years in the marketplace.
Subaru Tribeca
With its first large SUV, Subaru put its customers’ desires first. This generation of Subaru’s “Flying V” grill deserves some love.
AMC Gremlin
While teens under 18 aren’t allowed in the museum, the 18-25 crowd still engages in plenty of risky sexual behavior. To scare ‘em straight (or gay; it’s the safety that counts), we’d place this horrifying wart front and center. STDs are no joke, and nothing sucks the recklessness of a room like encountering a carbuncle of this size and seriousness. Be careful, kids.
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Museum of Sex
233 5th Ave, New York, NY 10016
Sun-Thurs, 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. & Fri-Sat, 10 a.m. to 9 p.m.
Admission $17.50
(212.689.6337)