5 Cars Perfect For Being Stoned In

Melt into these (passenger) seats. Annihilate a bag of Funyuns.

bySean Evans| UPDATED Apr 20, 2017 2:41 PM
5 Cars Perfect For Being Stoned In

When Dominos tapped General Motors and Roush Enterprises to create a custom pizza delivery vehicle, the result was the DXP, a Chevy Spark-underpinned mobile oven with an 80-pie capacity, all piping hot. Cruising around town with enough slices to sate a frat party may not be fun for the driver, given the DXP’s surely overtaxed 1.2-liter Ecotec four-cylinder, but it would be glorious for a passenger. Particularly if you’re baked out of your gourd with an array of cheese-laden munchies within arm’s reach. Alas, the DXP’s shotgun seat was sacrificed to bolster cargo space, so this is not the ultimate pothead chariot. But what is? Here, some choice options for riding blazed. (Emphasis on “riding.” Don’t get high and drive.)

Cadillac CTS-V


Opt for a sativa strain lest you become too mushy to keep upright in the Recaro seats as your driver carves through the esses in this 6.2-liter LT4 V8 powered supersaloon. That monster of an engine, plucked from the Corvette Z06, provides 630 lb-ft of twist, meaning take off is absurdly aggressive and thus absurdly fun. The 640-hp race sedan will sledgehammer away any fits of the giggles as you cope with serious forces pulling on your THC-sedated body. (Some tests show the CTS-V pinging the included g-meter gauge at 1.25 lateral g.) The ride won’t harsh your mellow, though. Not with that fluid magnetic ride control system snapping to attention 40 percent quicker than prior models. The CUE entertainment system will seem to be perfect suited to your state of enlightenment. The big touch screen with easy inputs means searching for the nearest White Castle will be a breeze. On longer hauls, settle in with the built-in WiFi system to Netflix and chill.

Ford Bronco


Forget the compelling potential renderings of the forthcoming Bronco. The Blue Oval already gifted us stallion perfection in the first generation. When skunked, indulge the desire to stare incredulously at the clean, crisp stylings. There’s a heap of beauty in the simplicity of that design. Catch the ute at the right angle and you may swear it’s smiling back at you with those bug-eyed headlamps and rounded radiator vents. It’s easy to anthropomorphize machinery while high, but the Bronco is actually calling to you, beckoning you to ditch the top and flop into the comfortable buckets for a summer cruise to the beach. Oblige. With the wind whipping through your hair, Led Zepplin blasting from the stereo, a wave of serenity will envelop you. If the Bronco has a lift kit and oversized tires, eschew tarmac for unpaved glory. There, bouts of laughter erupt as the capable Bronco bucks over all manner of undulating terrain. All that bouncing around in your seat will only fuel cheering it on more. However you enjoy it, resist the urge to spark up while moving. You’ll only succeed in showering sparks over fellow passengers.

Mercedes-Benz Sprinter Van


A properly appointed Sprinter Van is the closest you can come to the fineries of private jet travel on the ground. For multi-millionaire ganja enthusiasts, welcome to heaven. Sink into elite density foam underneath the reclining, European leather-covered seats and activate your back massager, all while sliding up the privacy divider to the driver’s compartment. You can’t have Jeeves inhaling any second-hand smoke, after all. Fish out a joint and fire away, though try not to ash on the burl wood finishes. Burns won’t buff out. You’ll have already queued up your favorite movie on the 40” 4K LCD TV, sound bombarding you through the movie theatre-quality 7.1 surround system. A little indica and dimmed lights and the full sensory experience will overtake you within moments. Dry mouth is quenched thanks to an on-board fridge, or perhaps an espresso from a built-in machine. In the 170” wheelbase variants, a modest bathroom is optional, meaning you’ll really never need to leave your land-jet.

Ford Focus RS


With that lovely drift mode, this is the only vehicle on the list that will smoke more than you. Have your DDD (Designated Drift Driver) get the 2.3-liter turbocharged four-cylinder EcoBoost to smartly utilize all 350 ponies and equal lb-ft of torque and break loose, all horrorshow, as you squeal with delight. Whether banging around mountain roads, attacking a track or just hooning on a skidpad, the Focus RS is a riotous machine. Getting slideways won’t take much effort, thanks to the Torque Vectoring Rear Drive Module, which employs computer-controlled clutches on each rear wheel. The duo can portion full power to either tire in a mere .06 seconds. But thinking about the mechanics at work beneath your feet may hurt your stoned brain, so instead sit back and enjoy feeling like Ken Block as the screaming machine howls around your personal Gymkhana. Purchase a Focus RS and you’ll need two trusted dealers: one for herbals and one for tires.

Pagani Huayra


If you’re suitably ripped inside the Italian steampunk marvel that is the Huayra, resist the urge to touch everything. The hypercar’s owner likely won’t appreciate having to wipe your fingerprints off the many shiny, milled aluminum buttons, switches and bits. The dash and center console is a cornucopia of shimmery wonder that’ll enrapture you if the car isn’t in motion. Once that Mercedes-Benz AMG biturbo 6-liter V12 roars to life, you will have a freakout. With a power-to-weight ratio of 4.14 lbs/hp, this car is stupid quick. Those turbos have been throttled back to reduce lag time so right after the giant whoosh comes a giant kick in the chest as 811 lb-ft of torque pins you against your snug seat.

Before you can say “Whoa, man,” you’ve blown past 60. Blink again and it’s 100, all 720 mid-engined horses snorting loudly right behind your head. The active aero kicks in and body panels deploy independently, seemingly waving to you, but actually making sure there’s adequate downforce to remain stable up to a top speed of 238. Though anything near triple digits will feel like flying, with the rounded cockpit and jet-volume engine noise. This is not a car to be high in if you get paranoid. A Pagani draws tons of attention, so yes, everyone is staring at you. Particularly if you stop by Whole Foods for some snacks.