Meet El Monstruo, the Next Presidential Limo
It’s got guns, armor and a big ol’ hot tub—possibly with a Bill in it.
We've already established that President Barack Obama's official limo, The Beast, is badass. But now that we know that the next U.S. president will get a new limousine fleet, we have a few ideas to make the Beast sequel even more righteous. It'll be so awesome, we won't even call it the Beast; it should be called El Monstruo, in deference to the swelling Hispanic voting bloc in the U.S. that will largely determine who rides in this land-bound battleship come 2017.
First off, since there are about a dozen Beast limos in the current fleet, we’d like to push for more vehicular diversity therein. Let's have three mini limos; we'll call them Bulldogs, in honor of the U.S. Marine Corps' vaunted mascot. We want a couple of amphibious ones; Kermits, naturally. And let’s have a number of the aforementioned Monstruos, too.
Here's what the latter limo would have to wear in order to be worthy of the executive branch.
The Beast is capable, but the proportions are all messed up. It's fine to make the windows bigger for better outward visibility, but the greenhouse on that thing is absurdly large. El Monstruo should look smooth, featuring a fastback Art Deco look that hasn't been seen since the late Forties, when Buick fastbacks were in vogue and America still had World War II victory dripping from fists. It's a practical shape, too, the fastback. The back is sloped, to better deflect bullets, missiles and other evil-intentioned projectiles, and the swooping front fenders are perfect for mounting the mini American flag and mini presidential standard.
Improved Truck Chassis
El Monstruo will most certainly be large and heavy, so it'll need to be build on a truck chassis again. But we have to do better than something that was the basis for delivery trucks, as was used on the Beast. The leader of the free world deserves better. That's why his/her next limo should be built on the same frame as the Oshkosh Heavy Equipment Transporter, or HET. It has eight massive wheels, a 700-horsepower Caterpillar diesel engine and can, if necessary, tow an M1A1 Abrams main battle tank. El Monstruo will, of course, have the aforementioned sweet Art Deco body, custom alloy rims and custom low-profile, run-flat whitewall tires.
Drone Launch Pad
If Rinspeed can put a drone on the back of a BMW i8, the president can sure as hell have one on his limo. The commander in chief's limo drone should, however, have both a high-def camera (so that the White House Press Office can have plenty of limo-driving b-roll on file) and a machine gun.
Machine Gun Blisters
After having a conversation about security with a Secret Service patrolman in front of the White House a few weeks back, I realized that little in this world is as important as protecting the president. To go along with the extra spikes the Secret Service has installed atop the White House perimeter fence, and the semi-permanent crowd barriers it placed on the sidewalk, the president's limo should be equipped with front, rear and side-facing M240 machine gun blisters; those Beast-era door-mounted shotgun holsters won't cut it. Two of the side mounts and the rear one could be manned by the president himself, in case he/she needs to get all Harrison Ford. A retractable RPG launcher would be cool, too, but it's probably not a good idea to sit the president next to so much ordinance.
This would be something like a luge. If the shit hit the fan and the commander in chief needed to move command to a more secure location, he/she could lie down on the floor and wait mere seconds for a wheeled steel cocoon to envelop him/her, and shoot out the back of the vehicle. The president would still have full communication with military commanders and other heads of state via satellite, so no worries there.
Electronic Dimming Bulletproof Glass Bubble Roof
Have you seen the windows on the Boeing 787 Dreamliner? They dim automatically, so no need for a window shade. The entire roof and sides of El Monstruo should be made of five-inch-thick bullet- and blast-proof glass equipped with an auto-dimming layer. That way, the president could either be visible to the masses—à la Popemobile—or withdraw into the privacy of an electronically cloaked dome.
This we're throwing in there in case former President William Jefferson Clinton ends up becoming the country's first First Man. Whatever you may think of Hillary, you have to admit that ol' Bill would be a pretty slick First Man. By including a hot tub among El Monstruo’s many important features, he would have a place to entertain lobbyists, campaign donors and the occasional lucky intern after hours.
Champagne Cooler and Stocked Bar
This is just standard limo equipment. Gotta have it. Also, see above.
An Assortment of Smaller Limos for Visiting Countries With Tight Roadways
Now that the U.S. Department of Justice has sued Volkswagen over Dieselgate, perhaps the government could go easy on the carmaker in return for being allowed to orchestrate Lamborghini's absorption into an American company. It's a bit of a stretch, but technically, Fiat and Alfa Romeo are at least partly American now, so why can't Lambo be, too? Anyway, that would mean that the president's Bulldog mini-limo could be based on the coming Lamborghini Urus. It's not Art Deco, but it is relatively small, and could fit communications equipment in the back and drive through narrow streets without getting stuck. No one wants the president to end up like Archduke Ferdinand. The Kermits would be amphibious versions of the Bulldogs, but painted dark green instead of black.
That might be a pretty tall order, but times are changing. We need cutting-edge limo technology for our president. Personally, I think the prez should also get a POTUS bike—preferably an Indian with lots of fringes on it. But the Secret Service will never go for that. Their loss. I'm only trying to make their jobs more fun.