Man Fights Garbage Fire Using Van Full of Ammo, Fails

Late for the 4th of July, early for Chinese New Year.

They say that for a commercial plane to crash, many, many things have to go wrong. Let us reuse that construction here, with a twist: To ignite your ammunition-laden minivan in the middle of a cornfield in Missouri, you have to be very, very dull.

Let us count the steps, as reported by the Kansas City Star. First, the man was burning garbage in a field. On a dry day. During a drought. Second, upon seeing the fire spreading, the man decided to use his car, a metal frame filled with cloth and gasoline, as an extinguisher. Third, in his haste to rectify the fallout of his original decision, the man forgot that he, for reasons still unknown, was carrying many rounds of live ammunition in his back seat. The resulting inferno—late for the 4th of July, early for Chinese New Year—celebrates of our God-given American right to be asinine. No one was hurt. Amen.