There is official word from the Center for Disease Control: Chipotle’s E. Coli outbreak, our cilantro-flecked national nightmare, is over. It is now safe to wade back into the warm, comforting pools of pinto beans, pulled meats and crema: ye shall find no peril here. Go forth, young man, and pony up for the guacamole, because it won’t leave you in gastrointestinal distress. The Taco Bell no longer tolls for thee.
Chipotle, long the bastion of high school stoners, hungover Kappa Kappa Gammas and any primates with access to currency and a car, has been certified fresh (or, at least, without norovirus). After months of food poisonings in states from Massachusetts to Washington, the FDA, CDC and the Department of Agriculture have drawn investigations to a close, declaring the burrito vendor safe. Chipotle’s stocks rose 4 percent at the news. In a testament to Millennial dedication to Chipotle (“Chipotez,” “Potlé,” and “Chippies,” natch), analysis by CNBC found that even while the media frenzy, folks under thirty continued to ingest the fast-casual Mexican food at a standard rate. In essence, not even food-borne pathogens can keep me from my carnitas, bro.
It’s time to hop in a car and celebrate. You’ll need something capacious—a friend in need of a ride to Chipotle is a friend indeed—and fast enough to beat the rush of munchers surely descending on the restaurant following the news. Ride comfort is key—a full stomach should remain settled—as is adequate ventilation for, well, post-Chipotle realities.
How about this *MINT CONDITION* Mercedes-Benz 560SEL? The price isn’t bad for a well-kept German limousine. This isn’t McDonald’s, now; the ingredients are superior, just like the engineering in your Idi Amin-approved dictator-mobile.
Best of all, the Mercedes 560SEL came with reclining rear seats: Perfect thrones for a queso-induced stupor. Let the speakers sooth you with Tito Puente as you drift off into a satisfied sleep punctuated only by corn-smelling burps. Chipotle will fill you; the Mercedes will comfort you; no listeria will darken the day. All is well.