17 Cures for Carmakers’ New Year Hangovers
Bitter medicine, doled out in acrid little spoonfuls.
As wonderful as we may believe ourselves to be, there is always room for improvement. This is why humans invented shaming mechanisms like dressing-room mirrors, psychiatry and, of course, New Year’s resolutions. And since automakers lack all those things, The Drive decided to write some resolutions for them. Here's hoping we all do a little better in 2016.
Cadillac: Move to a cool, creative, resurgent American city. Like... Detroit?
Subaru: What were our New Year’s resolutions from, like, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015? We should do those again.
Lincoln: Learn Chinese. Buy lipstick for pig.
Infiniti: Learn English. Or, teach the rest of the world Quechua.
Lexus: Fire trainer. Fire aesthetician. Fire plastic surgeon. Fire rhinoplastologist. Fire dermatologist. Fire stylist. Build hoverboards.
Mercedes: World domination. Again.
Mini: Diet.
Scion: Rebrand as YO! Like, we’re the YO in ToYOta. So YOung and YOuthful! Hire Ed Lover to promote.
Porsche: Count money.
Tesla: Enact 2011 New Year’s resolutions, just on time, exactly as planned.
Lotus: Not that much lightness.
Aston Martin: Consider capitalizing on James Bond connection.
Acura: Pray that this is an Integra.
Smart: Pills, or seppuku?
VW: We turned Hitler’s hooptie into a symbol of the counterculture. Hitler. You really think we can’t beat this emissions-hacking terrorism?
Rolls-Royce: Resolutions? How gauche.
Chrysler: Build a car.
