As wonderful as we may believe ourselves to be, there is always room for improvement. This is why humans invented shaming mechanisms like dressing-room mirrors, psychiatry and, of course, New Year’s resolutions. And since automakers lack all those things, The Drive decided to write some resolutions for them. Here’s hoping we all do a little better in 2016.
Cadillac: Move to a cool, creative, resurgent American city. Like… Detroit?
Subaru: What were our New Year’s resolutions from, like, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015? We should do those again.
Lincoln: Learn Chinese. Buy lipstick for pig.
Infiniti: Learn English. Or, teach the rest of the world Quechua.
Lexus: Fire trainer. Fire aesthetician. Fire plastic surgeon. Fire rhinoplastologist. Fire dermatologist. Fire stylist. Build hoverboards.
Mercedes: World domination. Again.
Mini: Diet.
Scion: Rebrand as YO! Like, we’re the YO in ToYOta. So YOung and YOuthful! Hire Ed Lover to promote.
Porsche: Count money.
Tesla: Enact 2011 New Year’s resolutions, just on time, exactly as planned.
Lotus: Not that much lightness.
Aston Martin: Consider capitalizing on James Bond connection.
Acura: Pray that this is an Integra.
Smart: Pills, or seppuku?
VW: We turned Hitler’s hooptie into a symbol of the counterculture. Hitler. You really think we can’t beat this emissions-hacking terrorism?
Rolls-Royce: Resolutions? How gauche.
Chrysler: Build a car.