Meet Wrapify, the Car Ad Agency Making Idiocracy Reality

Turn your vehicle into a rolling billboard, then be stalked electronically to determine your commuting value, because you're not already dead enough inside.

Are you one of those horrible, possibly evil people who thinks marketing is underrepresented in American life, particularly when it comes to driving? Well, have we got an opportunity for you! Wrapify is a new company that doesn’t just think of you as a mere demographic data point— they’ve dehumanized you into vehicular whoredom by paying to wrap your car with advertising, turning your vehicle into a rolling pop-up ad, thus eroding your soul just a little bit more, daily.

Here’s how it works, to diminish us as a species aesthetically and spiritually: You sign up, decide how extensively you want your car wrapped, and choose how it’ll be branded. Not on the ass with a hot iron (Wrapify has not announced plans to burn advertising into human skin yet), but with corporate graphics from Petco or Harrah’s Resorts, to name and shame a couple. Then you drop your car off to be wrapped by the closest thing to honest workers providing a service in this story. As you drive, Wrapify tracks your every move and pays you based on the marketing value of your route and destinations.

In other words, at this stage, Wrapify has already decided what you are. They’re just haggling on a price.

Looking for added value from your now-ridiculous car, they even use something called “Swarm” to direct you to higher-value advertising locations outside your usual driving area. You can earn bonuses there, as people more valuable than your usual friends and neighbors might see your car and suddenly be inspired to, say, spend a weekend at a Harrah’s eating Petco cat food.

Wrapify, claims the average user earns $450 a month this way. Sadly, that’s probably enough to tempt a lot of people, and you can’t blame them. Decent work is hard to come by. Remember when we were afraid of becoming a country where all we did was deliver pizzas to one another? Evidently that’s less lucrative than advertising the idea of delivery pizza to each other.

Either that, or this is all NASCAR’s fault.