The Star Wars: Rogue One Teaser Trailer Vehicles, Ranked
Old favorites and new ships mix it up in the preview for the latest Star Wars flick.
The hotly-awaited teaser trailer for "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story" dropped today, and boy howdy, was it worth the wait. (We've embedded the trailer at the end of this post, in case you haven't seen it yet.) The film, which lands in theaters this December, chronicles how a ragtag group of Rebel Alliance infiltrators stole the Death Star blueprints that Luke Skywalker and company used to blow up the planet-killing space station in the first Star Wars movie.
Which means, technically speaking, "Rogue One" is a Star Wars prequel. But for obvious reasons, we will never,ever call it that.
We'll leave the frame-by-frame analysis of the teaser to the...whatever the Star Wars equivalent of "Trekkies" is. ("Warries"?) We at The Drive are more concerned with the vehicles in it. The space ships and land craft of Star Wars have always fascinated us; their complexity and distinctiveness help sell the incredible depth of the universe, helping suck us into the story every time we watch one of the films.
So in honor of our love for the ships and craft of Star Wars, The Drive hereby presents the definitive ranking of every vehicle seen in the "Rogue One" trailer, ranked from worst to best by a complex, super-secret algorithm we developed.*
Four-winged landing ship
Based on the boxy body and what appears to be a wide ramp at the rear, this ship—which looks a little like the Imperial Shuttle from "Return of the Jedi"—appears to be a large cargo carrier. Basically, the Empire's version of the C-17 Globemaster. It also appears to be very blow-uppable.
As our own Josh Condon and Ben Keeshin would be happy to tell you, tanks are awesome. Tanks with laser cannons are even more awesome, because they have laser cannons. But this Imperial armored vehicle winds up in next-to-last place due to its poor design. Side-mounted gun turrets are a terrible idea, and unlike everything else on this list, this tank doesn't walk, fly, or hover.
The Death Star
The Death Star is unabashedly awesome. (C'mon, it's a moon-sized space craft with a world-nuking laser.) But as a vehicle, it's kind of lame. How quickly can a 75-mile-long space ship really accelerate? How well can it brake? How fast can it turn? Piloting the Death Star must be like driving a loaded semi with bald tires on a ski slope.
The famed Imperial Walker first seen in "Empire Strikes Back" is basically the greatest ground-based attack vehicle in fiction. It may not be fast, but at almost 75 feet tall, it can stride over almost any obstacle—and its cannons are always firing from high ground. Sure, you can trip it up by lassoing the legs with cable, but how many non-Force sensitive pilots can pull that off?
The preferred starfighter of the Rebel Alliance, the X-Wing is basically the long-time-ago-galaxy-far-away equivalent of the F-16. It offers a nearly ideal blend of speed, agility, and armament, enabling it to handle missions from dogfighting to ground bombardment. I would live in a cave surrounded by rats for the rest of my life if it meant I could fly an X-Wing just once.
Remember that very first shot of the very first Star Wars movie, when the Star Destroyer knifes into the frame? How it seems to go on, and on, and on, until it feels like this ship must go on forever? That's the moment Star Wars wins you over. The Star Destroyer is, was, and always will be the best damn space ship in the Star Wars universe. End of discussion.