10 Critical Driving Safety Tips From Bad Advice Uncle Charlie
Spinelli had an uncle who gave sketchy advice. What if he’d turned his attention to automotive safety?
I know it sounds like a cliche off something you'd see on TV Land, but I had an uncle named Charlie. My Uncle Charlie loved to give advice. For instance, he always told me that, at the beach, it was the “third wave that got you.” I’d swim out with confidence and a plan to avoid that third wave...and get clobbered by wave number two or four.
Another example: Uncle Charlie once told me to add Coca-Cola to house plants. I did. The roots rotted and my apartment smelled like a sewage treatment facility for six weeks.
Luckily, my Uncle Charlie didn’t know anything about cars. But if he did, he’d have knocked back a few whiskey sours and delivered the following pearls of wisdom. Please read in the voice of Burgess Meredith for extra realism.
Without further ado: Bad Advice from Mike Spinelli's Uncle Charlie.
1.) When driving in the rain, periodically slam on the brakes to test your traction.
2.) At night, leave your high beams on. Other drivers will appreciate that they can see you coming from further away.
3.) Never wear a seat belt. In an accident, it’s safer to be thrown as far from the wreckage as possible. Preferably a quarter-mile.
4.) If you have a blowout, slam on the brakes. It’s very important to make sure the other tires are a-okay.
5.) If you get a flat tire, change it in the middle of the street so people will stop and help you.
6.) Save a few bucks by replacing your windshield wipers with rolled-up newspapers. The ink moisturizes the glass and keeps it from breaking during thunderstorms.
7.) If your car is ever submerged in water, punch the window with your fist while yelling for help. When you get out, call your lawyer first before the police.
8.) Always keep a safety kit in your trunk with the following items in case of emergency:
a) Jumper cables, b.) An orange vest, c.) A shotgun, c.) Two cans of pork and beans, d.) A can opener, e.) An axe, f.) A bottle of good whiskey, g)., Bug spray, h.) Saltine crackers, i.) A roll of duct tape, j.) A roll of toilet paper (don’t get them confused in the dark), k.) A flare gun, l.) Waterproof matches, m.) A change of pants, m.) Your lawyer’s phone number.
9.) If you get into an accident and no one sees you, set the car on fire and walk away.
10.) When you're driving in the country, always scan the roadside for golfers (or did he mean gophers?).