The Drive’s Spring Suiting Guide

There is nothing in the world more important that encasing your flatulent jelly parts in the correct garment.

byBen Keeshin| PUBLISHED Mar 14, 2016 5:00 PM
The Drive’s Spring Suiting Guide

Nothing is more important than a suit, the two- or three-piece garment in which people encase themselves to guard against the world’s arrows. Nothing. Sure, we are all but lily-livered jelly-beings subject to the tempests of our own emotions and regular outside insult. But wrapped in rightly-cut bolts of cotton, wool or silk, our gelatinous limbs take form—our heads hold themselves a touch higher. In a suit, a pear-shaped fellow takes on the silhouette of a proud Red Delicious; beneath a well-structured jacket, a man with no pep in his step is transformed into a high-kicking business acrobat. Synergy, acquisition, dividends—tailored to fit! For all the lumpy fruits and sluggish broads out there, we’ve slapped together this season’s supreme suit guide.

If you’re going to take a suit casual, you’ll need appropriately rich accoutrements. The gold bracelet, classic side-part cut and heavy-duty NASA backpack say make sure that Doyle’s looks says “utilitarian,” but in Ricardo Montalban’s accent.,
Don’t let outdated rules about wearing white cramp your bright, clean look. Here, our model sports a generously-cut ivory suit, and a matching backpack to keep all the haters inside.,
Ay dios mio, this trio. While orange may not suit every taste, these suits taste appropriately juicy. Say "yes" to tangerine, and to zippers. Spring’s here, so you might as well be the season’s citrusy top note.,
Retreat from a battle of the bulge. Awkward creases can destroy an otherwise dashing silhouette—take this picture as warning. Should you choose to partake in this year’s “athleisurewear” phenomenon, make sure excess fabric doesn’t turn your South Dakota plains into the hill-ridden Badlands.,
Context is everything. If possible, contextualize with an experimental NASA jet and absolutely stunning black boots.,
Hose: It's not just for the ladies anymore. Snaking, oxygen-bringing cords keep you from cold, space deaths. Incorporating flexible tubes into a look really shows sartorial daring and a familiarity with plumbing.,
When choosing shoes, you’ll want elegance and function. Black flippers provide a dose of monochrome cool, while their swim-aiding abilities will have street-style photogs saying: “Is that some kind of seal-man hybrid?”,
Why restrict reflective, UV-blocking glass to your eyeballs? That classic look can be extended across the entirety of the face. As they say: “That fellow’s future must be so bright, he has to wear a shaded visor over his face.”,
Mustard is a bold choice...unless you slather yourself in patches. Then, mustard is just right. Seriously, though—don’t forget the patches.,
Usually, “shapeless” isn't a good thing, but sometimes the shape of a pillowcase filled with grapefruits is exactly the order of the day. Gentlemen? Anthropomorphized garment bags? Proof that the best shape is none at all.,
Bored of your look? Flip it upside-down. Literally, appear always with your feet above your head. It adds a necessary freshness to old favorites.,
Hey, tin foil! Hey aluminum man! Hey, ya no-good, weasal-faced Tinman knockoff! These are only a few of the graceful compliments you’ll receive after encasing yourself in a heat-trapping Mylar suit.