Happy Thanksgiving from The Drive

Now here’s our recipe for broiling the bird.

Perhaps the most pleasant annual argument families have at has do with the Thanksgiving centerpiece—that big (or medium, or small) roasted (or deep-fried, or smoked) turkey (or turducken, or Tofurkey). Yes, just as most American families besides the Clintons and Bushes can’t come to a unanimous decision on a presidential candidate, every clan squabbles over what to cook, and how to cook it. Cousin Emily wants a turkey-shaped tofu lump roasted for hours at 275°. Cousin Scott doesn’t understand why a nice trophy salmon can’t sit center-table among a bed of kale. Grandma Rose feels similarly, except she’d replace the fish with a handle of Bombay Sapphire and a jar of olives.

While we all have our own personal tastes, professionally-speaking, we endorse only one option: Flame-broiling a Butterball via Lamborghini Aventador LP-760. Here, the “chef,” may he be so called, uses a pitchford to piece the turkey’s breast and suspend the bird just aft of the Lambo’s fat central exhaust. That looks right. Potatoes, greens, stuffing—all are immaterial with a supercar around. Folks might complain about the hydrocarbon shellacking their drumstick. You can call that Italian Seasoning.