Crappy Cars That Celebrities Own

They have all the money in the world and they buy...that?

John Sciulli/Stringer/Getty Images

You’re a famous person. You make gobs of cash. You have a team of people who run your career, telling you where to go, what to say, when to smile and how to behave. No one can tell you what to drive, though. If you crave the limelight, you’re off to an exotic dealership to pick up something bombastic, sure to set off flashbulbs as you screech up to the Chateau Marmont. But maybe you’re more understated, not looking to draw attention when you’re out running errands, so you need a more normal ride. We get it. However, there’s not much of an excuse for driving any of the below.

Chris Hemsworth’s Acura MDX

John Sciulli/WireImage

How this black mid-sized amorphous blob came to be parked in Hemsworth’s garage is pretty straightforward. Acura spent an ungodly amount of moolah sponsoring the film Thor, shoehorning their new fleet whenever they could into the flick. Undoubtedly, the manufacturer gifted an MDX to the titular character's actor. Despite the MDX’s brickish-shape vaguely resembling the block of metal on Thor’s hammer, the Norse deity would never push a grocery getter. And neither should Hemsworth. He should’ve demanded an NSX.

Alfred Morris’ 1991 Mazda 626

John McDonnell/The Washington Post via Getty Images

The Washington Redskins’ running back has nicknamed this relic “The Bentley,” perhaps in a trolling nod to all the real Winged B’s he likely parks beside in the players’ lot. Morris was piloting this boxy steed, purchased from his pastor during college, when he was drafted in 2012 and has never upgraded because it reminds him of his humble roots. Mazda stepped in a few years back and did a factory restoration from the frame up, spending four months and about 300 hours replacing every bit and bolt on the car. They left his expired college parking sticker on the windshield, though.

Adam West’s Chrysler 300C

Frazer Harrison/WireImage

When the caped crusader first graced TV sets in the sixties, Batman drove a modded one-off 1954 Lincoln Futura, handmade in Italy and converted on a Hollywood backlot for about $30,000. The Batmobile famously spit fire from the rear rocket thruster as it shot away, in pursuit of ne'er do wells. Adam West has claimed the Batmobile was the best car he’s ever driven, because it made him rich. Makes sense. What’s inexplicable is his choice of a 300C for a daily driver. He told Motor Trend it’s a “junior Bentley” which makes us wonder if he’s still huffing the Joker’s laughing gas. Yeah, yeah, it’s got a Hemi, but still…

Selena Gomez’s Ford Escape

Christopher Polk/HFA2015/Getty Images

While her then-boyfriend, Justin Bieber, was out snapping up every six-figure import available, Gomez went to a Ford dealership, asked them what was the standard compact SUV of choice for taxi companies, was pointed in the direction of an Escape hybrid, and said, “Yes. This. This looks good. Can I have it in a generic grey?” Points for practicality and for that 34 mpg fuel efficiency, we suppose. Then again, minus all the points because it’s a Ford Escape. After a few years, Gomez came to her senses and swapped it for a BMW X5.

Justin Bieber’s Smart ForTwo

Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

Love or hate his music, you have to grudgingly admire his vehicular stable. He’s got: a Cadillac CTS-V (with suicide doors), a Fisker Karma, a Range Rover, a 997 Porsche Turbo, a Ferrari F430, a Ferrari 458 Italia, an Audi R8, a Mercedes Sprinter van, a Lamborghini Aventador, an MV Augusta and a Smart ForTwo. Wait. One of these is not like the others. Why, given that impressive list, Bieber would need a Smart ForTwo is beyond us. However, the fact that he finished it in matte black and replaced the logo with his own, reading “Swag Car,” does make perfect sense.

Isabel Lucas’ Kia Rio

Axelle/Bauer-Griffin/FilmMagic

The Aussie actress’ choice of wheels is the South Korean-fabricated Rio, which is most definitely a car that has been made. The 1.6-liter four-cyl churns out a lackluster 138 ponies and slowly slogs through the gears via a subpar tranny, but it does get good gas milage and only costs $15,000. Alas, unlike the Camaro from her Transformers films, this Rio doesn’t turn into anything cool.

Sean Penn’s Nissan Titan

Thomas Niedermueller/Getty Images

Of all the incredible pick ups available in today’s market, how the two-time Oscar winner could overlook all of them and instead head to Nissan and select the Titan is beyond the pale. Like Penn, it was built to be rugged and tough. Unlike Penn, it’s picked up few awards for quality performance. The Japanese full size was named 2015 Truck of Texas, which seems odd, given how much American-built pride Texans espouse.

Heidi Klum’s Volkswagen Beetle

Simon Hofmann/Getty Images

The German stunner’s got a ton of national pride, as she should. However, there are far better options from das motherland than a Beetle. An M-badged Bimmer? Audi RS5? Audi RS7? Audi RSanything? She’s opted for a convertible, which is fine, though if you’re going to go with a bug, at least let it be a classic one. Something with some flair, some zest. The new iterations lack soul, not to mention their unappealing colorways, such as her chartreuse number.

Mark Wahlberg’s Toyota Sienna

Ryan Pierse/Getty Images for Paramount Pictures International

It’s unclear what the more egregious problem is here: that Mark Wahlberg owns a Toyota minivan or that he’s really freaking proud that he owns a Toyota minivan. He’s boasted about it on talk shows before, saying it’s cool because he’s slapped some rims and window tints on it. It’s got DirecTV for the kiddies, who also appreciate a vat of mints that Wahlberg apparently carts around, as his progeny have dubbed it the Mint Mobile. However, we side with his wife who won’t set foot in any minivan, including his. That’s our kind of lady.

Zach Galifianakis’s Vespa

Carl Juste/Getty Images//Justin Tallis/AFP/Getty Images

The Vespa isn’t a car, and it’s not necessarily crap, given its timeless design, and - in a way - it’s kind of fitting that Galifianakis would bop around town on one. So why are we including it? Because the bearded one should be behind a wheel, specifically of something as classic and unique as the comic is. A Merc 220SL would be perfect, but he can’t drive the car from the film that made him a household name. Thus, we suggest a sixties-era Mini Cooper. That said, if director Todd Phillips wants to keep flogging a dead horse by shooting Hangover 4, there should be a Vespa scene, as Bradley Cooper also cherishes the two-wheeler.