Make the Chevrolet Silverado Great Again
It beats China all the time. All the time.
I have been asked here—personally, I might add, by Chevrolet, who love me—to give my opinion on the new Chevrolet Silverado. Chevrolet, General Motors: It’s a major corporation. Big, successful business. And the Silverado is the biggest truck they make. It’s big, loud, proud. American. Made in China? I don’t think so.
We haven’t had an American truck, made in America, by American workers, in years. Years. Do you know where most of our trucks come from? China. Japan. Mexico. Our American trucks want to compete, want to win, but we’re stopping them. We’re hampering them. With our weakness.
So, hate to say it folks, but the world is a gravel pit. You know what China is like? China is a dump truck. Big—yuge. Steaming down the road, carrying gravel, carrying silt, byproducts—our silt. Our byproducts. China is coming over and they took the rocks that Americans should be mining. Should be selling for a profit. American’s trying to dig too, but our leaders keep us in wheelbarrows. Our politicians can’t negotiate. They’re stupid. Wheelbarrows? I’m not comfortable in a wheelbarrow. What am I—Peter Rabbit? A bunny? Bunnies are losers.
We need a truck like the Silverado. To carry gravel. The politicians? They’re still stuck at the negotiating table, losing to the Chinese. The Chinese say, “A truck? How about a spade. Here, have a spade.” And we’re fine with it. We sit down and we use our pitiful spade. I hate spades. They’re small. They’re weak. Am I a gardener? When I see greens, it’s when I’m throwing them at a waiter who brought me a salad instead of a potato.
I like the way its face looks. Masculine. Silverado—you have a nice thing going. Good square jaw. Nice and even. American, like our second president, the Marlboro Man. The Silverado is a truck you take to the work site—I’ve visited over a dozen of my work sites, all around the world—and then maybe you meet a woman on the way home. Maybe you pay a woman to get in your car. The Silverado is handsome and good with the ladies. Just like American’s leading men back when we actually used to make good movies. Not today. Every actor is too afraid to even harvest a cross-section of his underage fanbase? Ridiculous. Remember Rock Hudson, Cary Grant, Montgomery Clift? Those were men who knew the way with a woman.
I like the interior, too. Beautiful interior. It’s nice, very attractive. Can I even say that? I like the interior, it’s attractive, and maybe I’ll ask the interior to get dinner with me after we’re done. That okay, feminists? Maybe the interior wants to have a glass of Chianti with me. What are they gonna do, the feminists, run me over with their Subarus? I don’t think so. I live in a yuge penthouse, one hundred floors up.
Anyways. Great interior. It’s perfect. Have you been inside of one of my buildings? They’re gorgeous. I have the best interior designers in the world. You know our secret? Gold. Many of my friends are Jewish. I love the Jews. Here in the truck, the upholstery is very nice. Very beautiful, soft. Have you met my daughter, Ivanka? Same idea. A really luscious girl. Very soft.
You know what I have that no other politician has? Power. I hire. I fire. I recognize that the Chevy Silverado also has power of the V8 variety. Okay, so many the environmentalists don’t love that. Well, Bill McKibben can ride a penguin to work. My cars have the best engines in the world—bigger, stronger, better, faster. I drive Bentleys. I drive Mercedes. I drive Cadillacs. All V8s. You know what has a four-cylinder engine? My tie rack. And I’m upgrading soon.
The best part of the Silverado? It’s American. Built in America by American hands. The manufacturing defects? Those are American manufacturing defects. Japanese cars? Good luck finding an American manufacturing defects in a Nissan. You know what I would say to companies that manufacture cars in Mexico? Congratulations, I understand that you’re building a nice $2.5 billion car factory in Mexico.
And you say to yourself, “How does that help us,” right? “How does that help us? Where is that good”? It’s not. Where is the good? Nowhere.
So I would say, Congratulations. That’s the good news. Let me give you the bad news. Every car and every truck and every part manufactured in this plant that comes across the border, we’re going to charge you a 35-percent tax.
I’m tough. I don’t care. I’m rich—I’m really, really rich. They’ll move the factories back. You ever played hardball over the telephone? It’s great. Better than racquetball, which I am also very good at. The racquets love me.
I like this truck. I love truck people. I’ll buy it—with my own money. No special interests, no donors. No one can buy me. But I can buy this triumphant, American-built Chevro…
Ah, so. The Chevrolet Silverado is built in Mexico. Some Mexico-built trucks, I assume, are good trucks.
God Bless America.
*Ben Keeshin, staff writer