Car Guys, It’s Time to Own Up

Dear fellow automotive enthusiasts,

We’re the worst.

Really. We are. “Lifestyle” is a dirty word in car culture but, truth told, that’s exactly what this is—a lifestyle. We eat and sleep and breathe this stuff. It dominates our day-to-day, oily synapses firing nonstop, plotting. Considering. Planning. Cars rule the hive mind, and they dictate actions. And, sometimes, those actions can be a bit… inconsiderate.

From a quick, confessional poll of The Drive staff, a few admitted instances:

• Made a loved one stand outside for an hour, in the freezing cold, holding a fire extinguisher while synchronizing leaky HIF carbs.
• DVR’d the Monaco Grand Prix over the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. Did not apologize.
• Ruined “the good hand towels” with differential fluid.
• Ditto, “the good bed sheets.”
• Affixed straight pipes to a cam’d LT1 Camaro, with neighbors in close proximity, despite 5:30am commute.
• Forced a blood relative, on crutches, to hike across the mall parking lot to avoid door dings.
• Picked up a date, who was wearing very expensive shoes, in a car with no floor. (Note: There was a floor, just not an entire one.)
• Forced passengers to endure top-down Miata-ing in highly inappropriate weather.
• Spent Valentine’s Day gift money on race tires.
• Spent all of our money on race tires.
• Replaced a fuel tank early on a Thursday morning; "ruined Thanksgiving" by smelling like gasoline.

There were more, too. Many more, some we’re too ashamed to publish. Sheepishly looking over the (long) list of offenses we’d amassed, someone offered: “Has anyone here, like, apologized lately?” No. And you probably haven’t either.

These latex balloons can help. For $14, you get a dozen per pack. Order two. Use them sparingly for smaller offenses (“Honey, I revved up and lit the garage couch on fire a little…”), or deploy the whole kit and kaboodle to be really sorry all at once (“The neighborhood committee called about the cul-de-sac donuts. Also, we’re homeless now.”)

Own up. Get these festive, apologetic balloons here.