Sarah Palin’s 5 Favorite Cars

Joe Six Pack needs a way to get to work, right?!

bySarah Palin*Jan 20, 2016 10:15 PM
Sarah Palin’s 5 Favorite Cars

Hot on the heels of her invigorating, syntactically-adventuresome endorsement of Donald Trump, the one-and-only Sarah Palin is back with another strongly-worded recommendation. This time, it’s for her five favorite cars. Terrorists, communists, the Media Elite, editors—no need applying. This God-Blessed listicle runs on pure freedom, no sense allowed. So, without further ado, we’ll hand it over to the former Governor.

Chevrolet Corvette

It’s like—hey Europe! Hi there! Hello! Just because you all, you know, invented the tight handling and the sports car, you don’t own it. See, now, remember World War II? When our troops zoomed in, like bang! pow! and bam! Winners. Now it’s ours, the sports car. Thank you! We know, as Americans, that plastic and power through horsepower and noise is what matters. The Corvette is victory.

Ford F-150 Raptor

They say, ‘Hey, you know, maybe you don’t need a truck or such things for just living life’ to which I always say, ‘Huh? Uh, no thank you!’ I need a truck to fit all the working people I know! It’s all of us! The Raptor has the stuff to duke it out with the bad guys! Squash the squirmishes and all, through the use of American oil. Stomp on the necks of your neighbors and say, ‘Just chill, okay, this is my pickup, just relax. Too big? I am a citizen.’

1945 Willys Jeep

No more pussy footin’ around. Our troops deserve the best! You deserve the best! After eight years of no command, no power, America apologizing just for being American? Um, don’t think so. Lead the charge with a Jeep! World War II—American was great. Make it great again, you know, with an old Jeep that, hey, I’m not too good for an old Jeep. Lead America with your behind in the front of the pack in a Jeep! Heads are spinning.

Dodge Challenger Hellcat

You know, thanks Obama for the hopey-changey, but can I use hopey-changey to buy a gun? Can I get changey for an Obama dollar? Don’t think so—no power! I think 700 horsepower can let the American Media Elite know that the rest of us are burned out. Burned-out burnout! Right-winging, bitter-clinging, accelerator-stomping Constitution-loving patriots? Yeah. We the people deserve the right to outrageous power, because it’s ours! Drill, baby, drill and let that sweet, black gold drip into your Challenger. Yeah, I want a challenge? You betcha.  

Cadillac Escalade

The Cadillac Escalade—or as I like to say, the chariot of the private sector! Black Suburban, no fun, all business? No thank you! Lead the charge in the private sector as a businessman with a Cadillac Escalade! Hallelujah! Strong, big, power. Secure the borders—seven seats to put the Mexicans in and say, ‘You know, thank you but no thank you, back to where you came from’. Chrome wheels tell the world stage: Hello, America is strong, and we’re not like you. We’re American, God bless us, and we’re here to stomp on your neck. We’re not elitist—no. Just full of good-old American hard work, and a Cadillac says, ‘Look! I’m hard working, no help from no one, just success’. Redistribute this!

* Ben Keeshin, staff writer