7 Vehicles You Definitely Shouldn’t Operate Naked

Why put dignity, tackle and the children at risk?

Nudity in the city
Erica Simone

The most confident person in my group of high school friends was a pretty girl with a wild streak. A favorite activity was to mess with the overnight crew working the drive-thru of a 24-hour McDonalds. One night, she shed her clothes before pulling up to the window. “Let’s give ‘em a show,” she winked to the car, overflowing with teenage boys and their hormones. The flummoxed worker wordlessly tendered her order, waving off her offer to pay. With a kiss blown, she plopped the bag on her lap and pulled off, laughing maniacally. Within seconds, the hot grease from the fresh fries seeped through the bag, drawing a yelp. Rushing to remove it, she knocked the wheel, pointing the Honda Civic towards a dumpster which we narrowly avoided ramming.

Mixing nudity with transportation can have disastrous, painful results, even absent fried foods. Before you indulge the urge to strip down for a jaunt in the buff, take in these tasteful nudes. These cheeks are your plump signs of warning.

Sports Cars

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If you’re a gentleman who’s purchased a compensatory phallic coupe, best not to let it all hang out. Members of the fairer sex will have a hard time stifling giggles if the car’s stick shift puts your own to shame. Regardless of gender, prolonged exposure of one’s undercarriage when clambering in or out of a low-slung ride is never a good look.

Subways

Erica Simone

Hygienic issues abound here, too. Subway cars are cesspools of bacteria and grime, but the larger issue is the density of fellow humans. Cramming up against packs of strangers is awkward when you’re clothed: Imagine a rush-hour crush in which a dozen people graze your every nook and cranny each time the car rocks. Remember, too, an important line from the Scissor Sisters: "And you know the MTA should stand for mother-f***ers touching my a**."

Bicycles

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Here’s the thing about getting athletic while nude: things jiggle. Things no one else deserves to see jiggling. Going up a hill? Now you’re straining, drawing comparisons between taught tendons and the jiggly sections still flapping around. It’s monstrous. Plus, bike seats are barely comfortable when you’re wearing clothes; without those layers in between, the saddle's going to be pure torture. Think: chafing.

Taxis

Erica Simone

If you're a woman hailing a cab in the nude, you'll find things quite convenient: every cab will stop. Conversely, rare is the cabbie who cuts across five lanes of traffic at the sight of another fellow’s bait and tackle. Should you nab one, the driver will (creepily) yammer your ear off and spend most of the trip gawking in the rearview. Plus, if nude, where will you carry the wipes necessary to clean those scuzzy vinyl seats before placing your bits upon them?

Motorcycles

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Motorcycles require that you wear protection—preferably, full-body. Skip that vital step and lay the bike down? Welcome to road rash in a host of very undesirable spots. Sure, it would feel great to roll on the throttle and feel the wind whipping through your hair—all of it—but when you’re climbing off, you're bound to touch that liberated skin to hot engine or exhaust components. Accidental brands burn for a long time.

Airplanes

Erica Simone

Today's airplanes are barely civil. Take your shoes off, and your fellow cabin mates melt into an uproar. Remove all your clothes? Three federal marshals would get involved. In coach, at the very least, you’d be subjecting your seatmates to a TSA-grade inspection of your deployed landing gear with every bathroom exit. And if you're piloting the plane, wherever would you pin your wings?

Boats

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Sometimes you need to jump into the harbor to save a fellow serviceman who ejected into the ocean after being downed by the enemy. Those times, you don’t have the chance to put clothes on. Fair. But once you’re back in the ship, yank on some shorts, lest your privates-first-class get pinched by a massive set of gears or levers. The only acceptable vessel for nude operation? A canoe. It's downright peaceful, the only danger being hungry trout.

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