Martin Shkreli Is My Auto Mechanic

It’s not cheap.

Martin Shkreli
Pete Marovich/Bloomberg via Getty Images

The poster man-child of greed, Martin Shkreli, is back in the news. He gouged prices on Daraprim, a 62 year-old drug that saves the lives of pregnant women and people with AIDS. Then, he bought Wu-Tang’s one-off, $2 million record, “Once Upon a Time in Shaolin,” and got into an internet tiff with Ghostface Killah. Then, he antagonized Congress.

Despite the fact that Martin Shkreli is actively campaigning for title of Most Hated Man in America, he is but human. Skin with such deathly pallor can only take so much digital vitriol. We hear that Shkreli may have fled the city in favor of small-town life and more modest enterprise. Martin Shkreli is an auto mechanic now. It’s not rumor, folks; it’s all surveilled. Here are the transcripts.

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“Hi, Generic Automotive? I have a Toyota Camry that needs an oil change. Saw a sign that oil changes are $13.50?”

“Actually, this is now Turing Automotive, a fully-integrated corporation developing and commercializing innovative mechanical solutions.”

“Okay. You all still do oil changes? Couldn’t find any other place in town.”

“Of course. Our oil change is $750.”

“What!? How!? I need to be able to drive my car to work.”

“On the advice of counsel, I invoke my 5th Amendment privilege against self-incrimination and respectfully decline to answer your question.”

“Choke on a drill bit.”

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“Hello, I’m calling to complain about a recent service on my mother’s Buick Park Avenue. We had requested a tire balancing and rotation. Not only are three of the tires not balanced, the fourth was replaced with a large, gold record.”

“Fuck Wu-Tang!!! Elle oh Elle.”

“My mother is elderly. She crashed coming home from your garage. Doctors say she might not make it.”

“The allegations about me are baseless and without merit.”

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“Morning, I’m looking for Martin.”

“This is Gordon Gekko! Ha. Greed is great.”

“Is Martin there?”

“I’m the Wolf of Wall Street! Leonardo Di-who? Lots of women want to touch me in an erotic manner.”

“What? Martin? I have a question about my car. Is this Turing Automotive?”

“Robin Hooood! Stealing from the poor, giving to the me, going to the club, flying on a jet!”

“Would you recommend fitting my car with winter tires?”

“It’s lit! It’s going up! Please follow my webcam. Please! Please.”

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“Hi, I’m calling about charges from your shop. I was charged $69.69 for “SIXTY NINE LOL SIXTY NINE,” $3,180.08 for “TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN IT SPELLS BOOBIES,” and $200 FOR “HOODIE BUDGET.”

“Don’t mess with me! Burned.”

“You wrote down ‘probably doesn’t know hip-hop’ under the Customer Address section.”

“I turned Ghostface Killah into a ghost! I own the Wu-Tang Clan! Street.”

“I’d like a refund.”

“Maybe if you answer my question. What is human warmth?”

“Please give me my money back.”

“Will tell me I am your friend?”

“I’m calling the police.”

“Fuck tha police!”

“They’re on the line.”

“Will you hold me? Will they hold me? Please, don’t hang up. Hello?”