REPORT: U.S. Not Getting Awesome New Euro Hot Hatch

Literacy rates, average lifespan also higher on other continent. 

Audi Europe

According to a new report from Autocar, Audi higher-ups have approved development of the long-awaited RS1. Which, of course, we cannot have in the United States. Based on the Quattro S1 supermini (pictured), which we also cannot have, the RS1 is slated to go on sale next spring, except in the the United States, where it will not.

This latest RS is likely to debut at next year's Geneva Motor Show, in Switzerland, where gun ownership rates are exceptionally high but people don’t kill each other very often. Audi engineers, many of whom received an excellent low-price or free college education, plan to pry 280 horsepower from the brand’s trusty 2.0-liter turbo four-cylinder. That’ll be paired with either a six-speed manual or seven-speed dual-clutch ‘box, and utilize Quattro all-wheel drive. Two body styles (three- and five-door) are expected, making the RS1 a versatile hauler during employer-sponsored paternity leave, or schlepping the kids to zero-copay doctor appointments. It’ll also help put the screws to Ford’s new Focus RS. But the real target here, according to Autocar, is the Mini Cooper JCW. That’s the car Audi Sport has been benchmarking against, an attempt to broaden its offerings in the upmarket hot hatch segment. You might even call the RS1 an exec’s Volkswagen Polo R, if that reference meant anything to you, which it doesn’t, because we cannot have the Polo R either.

No word on pricing or production numbers yet, not that it really matters, since you live in the wrong fucking country. Keep an eye out for the new Audi RS1 while on vacation, provided that’s something you can afford to do, or on Seattle Craigslist in 2041.