17 Cures for Carmakers’ New Year Hangovers

Bitter medicine, doled out in acrid little spoonfuls.

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As wonderful as we may believe ourselves to be, there is always room for improvement. This is why humans invented shaming mechanisms like dressing-room mirrors, psychiatry and, of course, New Year’s resolutions. And since automakers lack all those things, The Drive decided to write some resolutions for them. Here's hoping we all do a little better in 2016.

Cadillac: Move to a cool, creative, resurgent American city. Like... Detroit?

Subaru: What were our New Year’s resolutions from, like, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015? We should do those again.

Lincoln: Learn Chinese. Buy lipstick for pig.

Infiniti: Learn English. Or, teach the rest of the world Quechua.

Lexus

Lexus: Fire trainer. Fire aesthetician. Fire plastic surgeon. Fire rhinoplastologist. Fire dermatologist. Fire stylist. Build hoverboards.

Mercedes: World domination. Again.

MiniDiet.

Scion: Rebrand as YO! Like, we’re the YO in ToYOta. So YOung and YOuthful! Hire Ed Lover to promote.

Porsche: Count money.

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Tesla: Enact 2011 New Year’s resolutions, just on time, exactly as planned.

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Lotus: Not that much lightness.

Aston Martin: Consider capitalizing on James Bond connection.

Acura: Pray that this is an Integra.

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Smart: Pills, or seppuku?

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VW: We turned Hitler’s hooptie into a symbol of the counterculture. Hitler. You really think we can’t beat this emissions-hacking terrorism?

Rolls-Royce: Resolutions? How gauche.

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Chrysler: Build a car.