Hey Old School, Get a Car Calendar in 2016

For this one, you gotta know a guy—how Italian is that? Available only in very limited numbers, Pirelli's calendar is always provocative and seldom has anything at all to do with tires. Art, fashion, beautiful women wearing next to no clothing: This year the staples of the huge glossy work have been replaced by Annie Leibovitz's portraits of inspirational women. Sure, the titillation factor is lowered, but now you can hang it in your office.

At the exact opposite end of the spectrum is the calendar that inevitably shows up in your mailbox, whether a “gift” from your local parts store, tire shop, auto insurance broker or just an enterprising real estate agent. The cars are those you might see at a Saturday morning Cars & Coffee; the photography is distinctly mid-grade. Doesn't matter—the cost is right (free!), and when it's marked out with every track day you've got planned, it'll gleam from the garage wall.

Trust Porsche to have a calendar that's at once simplistic and eye-wateringly expensive. Consider this the air-cooled version of a wall calendar: It's a flat metal square with infinitely rolling gears featuring a top-down shot of the whale tail off a 930 Turbo. Because it's a month-and-numbers-only affair, it'll keep working long after the modern 911 has mutated into a hybrid-electric affair with paint-matched key fobs.

Hot Rods and Pinups go together like gasoline and oxygen: Mix 'em up and the result couldn't be hotter. This year, photographer Mitzi Valenzuela has put together a classy and classic affair, one good enough to be the sole calendar selling at the Petersen Automotive Museum's gift shop.

A nicer hive of scum and villainy you'll not find elsewhere in the Internet. Our friends at Hooniverse operate an enthusiast site that's got a real grassroots vibe. It's also quite weird: The candidates for their car of the year include a reverse-opening Porsche 912 funny car and a Lada Niva. This calendar is possibly the only place you'll find a Euro-spec Countach followed up by a glamour shot of a Dodge Rampage.

What's better than one classic Corvette? 316 of them. Once you've torn the page off, the back is perfect for making to-do lists for your own project car.

Who says Etsy is all sock animals and macramé necklaces? This handmade calendar is the work of a father and son team out of Nebraska, and features both lovely artwork and a listing of every major motorsport through 2016, from NASCAR to Blancpain to Le Mans.

Essentially unlimited sports-car racing, all year ‘round. There'll likely never be another racing series like the Can-Am Challenge Cup, and this 50th anniversary calendar features some of the best vintage racing of the time.

In the mood for a morning cup of café racer? Bike EXIF's 13-month calendar is page after page of drool-worthy one-offs. Especially if you're snowbound right now, this'll get your wrist itching for the throttle.

Now more focused on genteel torque-rich offerings, Alpina was once BMW's paramilitary arm. Its wild “Batmobile” 3.0CSL is the E30 M3's dashing granddad, and this gorgeous, hand-shaded homage to its racing years (1973-77) is certainly worthy of some wallspace.

If you prefer your calendars a little dirty, Sidekick Offroad's got your back. Makers of some of the better trail maps throughout the U.S., Sidekick also produces an annual calendar combining Jeeps getting happily dirty with a comprehensive list of all the offroad events through the year. Circle King of the Hammers twice for emphasis.

No other manufacturer is as good at extracting every last dollar from its brand image. Well, maybe Lego. This year's Ferrari calendar is no exception: a globally limited, glossy affair for just over a hundred bucks. Considering that's cheaper than replacing the cigarette lighter in a 308, it's a bargain.

So what if it's way out of date? Gary Larsen was an absolute genius and that makes this, um, “vintage” calendar high art. Hang it above your classic Messerschmitt Kabinenroller or Saab Sonnet.