This Rolls-Royce Cocktail Hamper Shames Everything You Own

The crustiest of the upper crust.

When your life is one golden, decades-long cocktail hour, you deserve imbibing equipment that shines with the same rich luster as your existence. Fortuitously, Rolls-Royce, automaker of the international pleasure class, realizes as much and now offers this: The Rolls-Royce Cocktail Hamper. It is monstrous, elegant and full of luxury glassware, a better-fated Titanic. It packs the full arsenal; every instrument in the mixology catalogue is present. Should a gang show up—gin, vermouth, olives stuffed with roquefort—the hamper has every weapon needed to diminish the skirmish into a nice, cold martini.

The structure of the thing is hand-crafted wood, pure American Walnut. To that, Rolls applies swathes of the same natural grain leather it uses in a Phantom or Dawn. When the lid is opened, integrated LEDs illuminate the interior, replete with polished glass and chrome. It’s impossible to tell if you’re regarding a particularly lavish basket or standing, Gulliver-style, above a tiny cocktail bar patronized by wealthy Lilliputians with manageable substance abuse issues. It is all deluxe, glamorous and small.

A list of objects included in the Hamper: two canape dishes, an ice bucket, fine cotton napkins, tumblers, decanters, a shaker, a muddler, a strainer, a glass tray. The glasses come from Theresienthal, supplier to most royal courts in Europe, and are blown into beechwood molds—because beechwood’s fine grain, of course, yields a super-smooth surface. They are then rimmed in platinum. Gilding is so… common.

Only fifteen of these exquisite hampers will be made. Which means only fifteen asthmatic, beleaguered manservants named Alastair will huff and puff as they carry this weighty hamper up a Scottish hillside. Pricing is, of course, “If you have to ask…” But would you, a presumable plebe, event want this much glory in your mundane life? Wouldn’t your formerly prized possessions pale in its gleam? For those of us outside of great wealth’s comforting gulfstream, pictures are as close as we dare tread.